PORT ARTHUR —
Billy Clyde’s father to his son on marriage: “I ain’t too smart or I wouldn’t be trying sell cork tile. I know you play a tough sport. You got them big, mean tackles comin’ at you. But I’ll tell you one thing about life. You ain’t took no lumps at all till you’ve tried marital discord.”
Billy Clyde’s wealthy father-in law Big Ed Bookman on how he’s going to help T.J. Lambert land schoolboy running back sensation Tonsillitis Johnson for the Horned Frogs: “T.J.’s worried we can’t outbid Texas or Oklahoma for Tonsillitis. They’ll give him a car, an apartment, a summer job that’ll make him richer than two orthodontists. I said hell, I know how we can get him. We’ll give him his own 7-11, then tell him he can rob it any time he wants to.”
Shake Tiller to Billy Clyde on the deterioration of the NFL: “It’s NFL roulette. There’s six cylinders in the gun, right. Used to be you had five chanceS to catch a bullet when you pulled the trigger. There was always one lay down artist. Now you’ve only got one chance out of six. One bullet is in the gun. One guy who wants to win the game. On the Giants, before you got hurt, that was you.
“You know what’s in the other five cylinders. You have a coke-head . . . a gambler . . . a labor organizer . . . a millionaire who’s too rich to care . . . and a zebra.”
Billy Clyde on college football: “College football is a big business. The money it generates from endowments has built more wings on libraries than all of the intimate friends of Beowulf. College football has raised more than one chemistry professor’s salary and bought more than computer on which some chinless wimp can get a business degrees by learning how to screw up my bank statements and credit references.”
By now, you should get the picture. What we’re dealing with here really is Life its Ownself. And, in the immortal words of Billy Clyde Puckett hisself: “Laughter is the only thing that cuts trouble down to size where you can talk to it.”
Sports editor Bob West can be e-mailed at firstname.lastname@example.org.